Let me tell you a story

I broke down crying on the steps of Marsh Hall. She put her arms around me and told me everything would be okay. In that moment I wasn't sure I believed her, because really what did she know?  Honestly, I felt like my life was over. All the plans, all the dreams...gone. I walked in a daze to my apartment. My vision of life was left behind me in a trail of tears. There wasn't anyone to blame, but myself.

Standing at my window watching the world rushing by unaware of the drastic change happening to me, I called him. "I'm pregnant,"  I sobbed and collapsed on my bed. The silence was deafening. "Really?... It'll be okay," he said, "We've got this." I didn't believe him, because really what did he know?

Turns out they knew a lot. My life wasn't over, and while it hasn't been anything like I thought it'd be, it is all okay. It's hasn't been easy, but it's okay.  

Ten years ago this month I found out I was pregnant with my son.  I was a junior in college and getting ready to study abroad in Spain. My class load was full with 18 credits and being actively involved in my sorority kept me busy. I was a double major with a minor on track to graduate on time. One night changed all that.

Those first couple months were the most difficult.  I felt isolated. Those I thought were friends, turned their backs on me. Family members wouldn't speak to me. I felt stupid. My perception of self was rapidly shifting. I felt judged. I think that was the hardest to deal with, being judged. I was judging myself so harshly that other's words only added to the chaos in my head. However, I was accepted. I felt loved. I had support. Those last three outweighed all the rest. They kept me going.

I finished my junior year, had my son and got married all within three months of each other. Thanks to an amazing mom and a great husband I completed college. I know I couldn't have done it without them.  It wasn't easy, but it was okay.

Sometimes I look at my son and wonder what could have been. At the same time, I would never go back and change a single thing. He is tenacious, fearless, and daring. He tests my patience almost every day. He is kind, thoughtful, and silly. He makes me smile all the time. I can't wait to see the man he will become. 

Life isn't anything like I thought it'd be, but it's okay. And okay as it turns out is pretty darn great.

Beach Haven Driftwood

I've spent hours of my life walking on the driftwood down the beach, laughing and talking with friends, watching the waves crash against the shore, listening to the wind whispering through the cedars and noticing the texture of the pieces of wood beneath my feet. Each one is different, they have individuality and personality. Some are happy and light, some are dark and brooding. It's subtle but it's there,

I've had this project in the back of my mind for several years now. I wanted to document the driftwood. It is ever changing, next time it will be different. Worn a bit more by the surf, or washed away completely.  I could have spent hours photographing the driftwood as I have spent walking on it, but I had children clamoring for me to put away my camera and play.

Confessions of a Photographer

I have something to confess. I'm horrible at getting pictures printed. I have thousands of images of quietly lurking on my hard-drive, just dying for the chance to be printed. I always tell myself next month I will send them off to the lab. Next month comes, slowly fades into the next and they are still there waiting.  

I know I've mentioned my love of film and how I love the quality and feel of the images. However, another reason I am so enamored with it, is that I can't see the pictures until I send it to the lab. When I do send it, there's also this nifty little box on the order form that asks me if I want prints. Super simple to check yes.  Of course I want prints. Who doesn't want a tangible object of an intangible adventure. But guess what I also get the digital files. The combination of the two is something that I've really come to appreciate. The jpegs aren't there nagging me to be printed. I don't feel guilty for having only digital copies. 

I understand why everyone wants digital. I really do. I love sharing my pictures on Instagram and Facebook. I want every one to see how cute my kids are (I'm a proud mama after all). I haven't been offering anything digital in my collections, because I so badly want you to have prints. For you, yes, but also for the future generations. Technology changes so fast. USB drives that work today may not work in 20 years. Heck it might not work in 5.  For some reason I got it in my head that there wasn't room for digital anything. ever. at all. 

After coming to terms with my love of both print and digital, I'm working on a way to compromise the photographer in my head with the mama of my heart. I want you to have the best of both worlds. Something to share in the here and now and something for the future. I'm not sure how that's going look quite yet. It's still in the planning stages, but I just wanted you to know that I understand.

I shot these pictures of my children this summer at my favorite place in the world, Beach Haven (you can read about it here), and on San Juan Island in the Puget Sound, on my Mamiya RZ67 proII. Yes it's film and yes I have the prints :). Maybe next month I'll get some of my thousands of jpegs printed. In the words of one of my favorite photographers, Jonathan Canlas, "Don't let your jpegs grow up to be jpegs."

 

Kristin Take 1 {Twentynine Palms CA Maternity photography}

This beautiful mama-to-be has been my best friend since I was 15. What an amazing journey we've had together. I am so glad that I was able to photograph another momentous occasion in her life (you can see her engagement here and her wedding here). 

I flew down to visit her during my "day job's" spring break. She was brave enough to let me test my film photography skills on her (although I don't really remember giving her a choice), but I also shot some digital. You should have seen my suitcase. It was full of more camera gear than clothes, especially on the way home. She gifted me with a Polaroid Land Camera (yep they still make film for those) that I cannot wait to use. 

Be on the lookout for the digital version of this session coming soon.    

Tell all Tuesday

 So this blog is boring. It really is. You don't need to try an make me feel better. It sucks. I know when something is lame and uninteresting. This blog has that written all over it. It gives you no insight to who I am. It won't tell you about the person (me) you might potentially invite to participate in a special moment of your life. I want to give you the chance get to know the real me. The person I am in front of my friends when my guard is down. The zany, silly, emotional me who dances in the rain and watches sunsets on my head. That's who I want you to see. Not just the photographer that occasionally posts pictures with no personality.

    To fix this, I give you "Tell all Tuesday". The place for you to get a glimpse into the real person behind the camera. To start this adventure off, let me introduce you to my new love.

     I love film. I'm not sure I can say that enough. I honestly and truly love it. It forces me to slow down and think about what is in the frame yet at the same time gives me freedom to find the creativity that has been buried deep inside my soul. I have been struggling the last year to even pick up a camera let alone photograph anything, including my own kids. I would have rather upchucked a thousand times than take a single picture.
   
     Really creativity of any kind has been strangely absent. No longer. I feel it bubbling up inside like a shaken up bottle of Pepsi. My hands are itching to pick up a camera. I want to photograph everything. I feel like a teenager with her first real crush. That is what film has done. It has shaken loose the creativity that was held captive by complacency. And I love it.

This was shot on a Mamiya RZ Pro II with Kodak Portra 400 film

Cowboys and Cattle at the Hull Ranch { Yakima, WA }

I used to wait for this day when I was younger. The letting loose of my inner cowgirl just for a day. The process has change a bit, but the feeling is still the same. Cattle branding day at my uncle's ranch is a day of family, friends, and good food. I feel it plays a significant roll in my family's heritage. It's part of where we have come from and maybe just a little bit of where we are going. A person is made up of all the parts of their past and I am grateful that this will be a part of my children past that hopefully shapes their future. 

Carter and Ella { Ephrata, WA }

 These are from the first two rolls of film shot on my new medium format film camera. While they may not be technically perfect, I love the feel of them. I am so excited to get out and shoot some more rolls of film.