Just in time for December

I kind of feel like my kids in these pictures about Christmas this year (these images perfectly sum up most of their relationship and not much has change in the last few years). It's trying to get away from me and I'm being stubborn about holding on to it. I feel behind on my planning and organizing. Usually I have my Christmas cards done and ready to go. This year I'm all like cards what cards?  I know that if I'm feeling behind you might be too. So I thought, “Hey, I'm already doing the work I might as well share it.” I'm nice like that. 

Last year, my mom bought us a really fun advent Christmas tree. You know the kind with the doors and little compartments. I immediately searched Pinterest and planned the whole month. Only to figure out we didn't have time to do some of the things I thought would be so great. This left me feeling guilty and the kids disappointment. The ideas were really great, but to be painfully honest I’m not the super cutesy make all the things kind of mom. It’s okay though I’ve come to terms with it.

So this year I parred it down, focused on building memories and relationships while keeping it simple. Emphasis on simple.  I also tried to include the traditions that we already have. Some of my things might not work for your family, but it’s a great place to start. Plus it’ll save you some time.

Click here to get my personal 25 Days of Christmas activities. They are printable and I left some blank spaces for you to add your own.  I included a printable coloring page drawn by me to use as one of your daily activities. 

Let me tell you a story

I broke down crying on the steps of Marsh Hall. She put her arms around me and told me everything would be okay. In that moment I wasn't sure I believed her, because really what did she know?  Honestly, I felt like my life was over. All the plans, all the dreams...gone. I walked in a daze to my apartment. My vision of life was left behind me in a trail of tears. There wasn't anyone to blame, but myself.

Standing at my window watching the world rushing by unaware of the drastic change happening to me, I called him. "I'm pregnant,"  I sobbed and collapsed on my bed. The silence was deafening. "Really?... It'll be okay," he said, "We've got this." I didn't believe him, because really what did he know?

Turns out they knew a lot. My life wasn't over, and while it hasn't been anything like I thought it'd be, it is all okay. It's hasn't been easy, but it's okay.  

Ten years ago this month I found out I was pregnant with my son.  I was a junior in college and getting ready to study abroad in Spain. My class load was full with 18 credits and being actively involved in my sorority kept me busy. I was a double major with a minor on track to graduate on time. One night changed all that.

Those first couple months were the most difficult.  I felt isolated. Those I thought were friends, turned their backs on me. Family members wouldn't speak to me. I felt stupid. My perception of self was rapidly shifting. I felt judged. I think that was the hardest to deal with, being judged. I was judging myself so harshly that other's words only added to the chaos in my head. However, I was accepted. I felt loved. I had support. Those last three outweighed all the rest. They kept me going.

I finished my junior year, had my son and got married all within three months of each other. Thanks to an amazing mom and a great husband I completed college. I know I couldn't have done it without them.  It wasn't easy, but it was okay.

Sometimes I look at my son and wonder what could have been. At the same time, I would never go back and change a single thing. He is tenacious, fearless, and daring. He tests my patience almost every day. He is kind, thoughtful, and silly. He makes me smile all the time. I can't wait to see the man he will become. 

Life isn't anything like I thought it'd be, but it's okay. And okay as it turns out is pretty darn great.

In Honor of Joshua

This month is pregnancy and infant loss awareness month. I've never walked this road or faced this fear head on. I have been pregnant twice and have two living children. The loss of an infant or pregnancy isn't part of my story.  What is part of my story are those who are close to me that have mourned the loss of a child?

      I always wonder if I respond in the right way. Did I offer enough comfort, was I there? The answer is probably not. Life is busy, time slips away and pretty soon it feels awkward to bring it up. What if I make them cry? What if I make it worse? What if they really don't want to talk about it. I have been so focused on me, that I never thought to ask them what they need. What would be the best way to show that I care deeply about them?

      If you are walking down this road I want to honor that. I want you to know that though I may never know exactly how you feel, you never have to walk it alone. I feel as humans we need to be there and support each other no matter the season. To acknowledge the struggles and trials we go through so we can show kindness and understanding to those around us.  In an effort to do this in some way,  I have asked someone very dear to me to share part of her story with you. I remember getting the phone call the day she lost her son and it broke my heart. I think of him often and wanted to do something to honor him, as well as her.  This is her story.

     In June 2011, we got pregnant with Joshua. It was a normal pregnancy, except that he was a very active baby. He made movements that none of my other kids made, sort of a flopping, that I now think could have been seizures. December 9, 2011, is the day that we found out he had passed away. He had not moved all day and no matter what I did I could not get him to move so we went to Labor and Delivery. I was 30 weeks pregnant.

     At the hospital, the heartbeat could not be found and a quick ultrasound showed he had passed away. Our older boys Josiah and JJ (7 and 6 at the time, Josiah was 11 days away from 8) were with us because we did not think he was dead. We called a friend who had gone through many miscarriages to come get the boys. She was/is a good friend who could understand our pain.

    
      We were sent home to pack a bag, call family and get things ready to come back the next day to be induced. Saturday the 10th I was induced. My mom, dad, and stepmom all came to the hospital to be there for us. It was very helpful to be surrounded by family. We had amazing Hope Nurses (these are nurses who have gone through a loss and are there as a support and to answer questions) who comforted us and prayed with us.

      After over 24 hours of labor Joshua was born on December 11, 2011, at about 5:30 in the evening. We were able to have Joshua with us in the room and love on him. Joe was able to bathe him and I dressed him. The hospital took many beautiful pictures and the boys came on Monday to say goodbye to Joshua and get pictures with him.

      The following days were a numb blur of normalcy and weirdness. Kids to take care of and take to school. Nothing was the same, a hole is always in our family.

      Joshua is remembered by his older brothers and younger siblings. All our kids have a Joshua monkey or dog. Each year on December 11th we release balloons in his honor. We each get an orange balloon. The boys decided that was his favorite color. I get a birthday balloon to release in his honor. We say a prayer and say Happy birthday. Joshua is always a part of our family and we keep him in our thoughts daily. 

     I wish other people knew that I want them to bring him up. I always think of him and I love knowing others remember him.  Talking about him has helped me the most. I wish my "friends" had not ignored me, but instead talked to me. Saying anything, even if it's wrong, is better than saying nothing. The best thing to say is "I am praying for you" and to ask me for my story. Most of us  want to tell it, but we are scared to offend you. It's a touchy subject that needs to be talked about open and freely.

      I think of Joshua often. I miss that I never got to snuggle him or photograph him. I have had the chance to photograph his older brothers and his little sister Hannah. The photos here are from those sessions.  Maybe some day I will photograph his younger brother, Gabriel, but today I will remember Joshua and honor this family's journey. It takes bravery and courage to be open and vulnerable. Thank you for sharing your story with me.

     This month on the 15th is when everyone lights a candle in honor of their Angel(s). Will you be lighting one? Do you have a story? Will you be brave and share it?

A Very Special Birthday {Yakima, WA}

I've been digging deep lately to define the things I  truly value in life. It's been a hard road so far and I'm not anywhere near the end. It's really made me reevaluate where I am investing my time and energy and how I can do better in the future.

As today is Grandparents day (at least according to Facebook), I thought I'd share one of the most amazing relationships I've ever had. To be honest it's really hard to write this and it was really hard to edit these images.  For me, watching someone slip away with Alzheimer's and dementia is an odd place to find myself. The person is still physically here but the first time I truly realized that she no longer knew who I was, was one of the most heart wrenching experiences.  I grieve, not for the loss of life but for the loss of shared experiences and also for those experiences that will never happen.

This is where I am with my granny.  She is still with us but I'm grieving for the relationship I lost. It hurts. It is hard to not share my memories with her, but thankfully she nurtured an amazing family who will share them with me. With eight children and numerous grandchildren there are plenty of memories, stories, and laughter to share.  You can see the beautiful spirit she was and still is, because it shows up everyday in the people she loved. That truly is a legacy worth leaving. I hope someday I can leave such an amazing and inspiring love instilled in my family. A legacy that causes them to still gather for holidays. To put aside the hurt and pain, even for a day, and celebrate. To celebrate not just the occasion, but us as a family. We are an anomaly in this every changing world. We are a family who still values our family connection and heritage and that is worth celebrating.  

So here's to you Gene Grace Hull. Thank you for the love you poured into our lives. Thank you for the stories. Thank you for the amazing experiences that will never fade away. Thank you for the amazing people I am blessed to call family. I only wish I would have told you sooner.

We celebrated her birthday in May, but it has taken me this long to work up the courage to look at these images. I'm glad I finally did.  If there is one thing I would have done different it would be to capture more of the people she loved.

PS this is me with my granny. I handed my camera to my dad to take a quick picture of us.